Venting gets old

So yeah, today was hit or miss. Shitty experience trying to get my new registration, but ok in the end because it was a beautiful day and I got to hang out with my little sister. Then I had a pretty good time at Trivia Night, and now all that is ruined because my boyfriend had to be a jerk and piss me off. Grrr. I DO NOT want to get in bed next to him, but I really don’t want to sleep on the hard couch with no blanket, and a pillow only if I’m willing to go back in the bedroom to get one. You know, recently I’ve been incredibly sad about moving to HV and him staying here but he pulls this shit and it makes me feel like he doesn’t care one bit. I want to take advantage of the last week and a half we have to live together and he has to act like a complete dick. If our relationship makes it that long, it could be 5 years before we can live together again, I don’t know. 2 years left of college then law or grad school. He says he’s not playing games, but ignoring my questions and being passive sure feels like game playing to me. If you say you aren’t mad at me and I did nothing wrong then why all of a sudden do you become a dick to me? REALLY? I ask for a hug because I’m about to go to bed and you walk right past me and not say anything? Then I ask what’s up and you ignore me?? I’m sorry but that is not ok. I am not looking to date a 5 year old. I want a grownup who will answer my questions and talk to me. If you don’t want to hug me at least say so. WTF???

Thoughts

I have yet to take on a summer job. I am completely resisting it. My main and most important reason is that I want this summer to be about taking care of myself. If I don’t do it now, I don’t know if I ever will. After this summer is school and internships and working and studying abroad and law school and life and a million other things. The time is now. I am going to focus on getting healthy the right way – adapting life-long habits instead of forced veganism. I love Veganism (lot I could say about that) but I have to have some gourmet cheese once in a while or I’ll go psycho. I also want to take time out to enjoy life – go swimming, read, go to the park, watch the sunset, sit and listen to music, try new recipes – you get the picture. But most importantly, this summer I plan on going to therapy. It is time for me to suck it up and confront my demons, fear, anger, and insecurities. I am A-OK 98% of the time, but that 2% is so horrible I know I need more than a good talk with one of my very few fully trusted friends. I am secretly afraid I’m going to go crazy one day, and I know if I finally seek help maybe my thoughts won’t overwhelm me one day. The thoughts are always there, even in that 98%. Only that 2% of the time do those thoughts become apparent to anyone else. That 2% is the time I talk or cry, usually unplanned. That 2% is the time I soil the bed like a child or scream in terror in the middle of the night. I hate those moments oh so much, and every time I think “I’m really going to get help now. I have to.” But I never do. I feel such guilt. I have so much anger, but I’m always fighting with myself. I feel like sometimes I just want attention – I just want SOMEONE to hold me and love me and understand my twisted tangled web of loneliness, pain, fear, and hard cold anger. I want to erase the past and it hurts to know I can’t. I not only hate those certain people in my past, I hate myself! I hate myself for being weak, for being stupid and foolish. I hate myself for being young. When will I be free from the thoughts? Why can’t I embrace my lack of ignorance? And why the fuck does this matter???? It could have been so much worse!!!! I could have been actually officially raped – I’m glad I wasn’t. But I feel like such a fraud, such a whiney baby!!!! I feel like who the fuck am I to talk? Poor little Ashley, some 60 year old touched her. Played mind games. Manipulated her. Invaded her privacy, her space. Sexually harassed her. Casually talked about murdering a guy. Poor baby. I know people who were molested, raped, abused, choked. I know people who have watched parents die. Who the fuck am I to have issues????? Actions are stronger than words, Ashley. Words can never hurt me, mommy. You know what? Fuck them all. This is the anger, you see. Sex is so fucked up. Almost every man I have known has used it against me. The fucking asshole, you know, the one who told me I deserved to be actually raped, you know, the one who TOOK MY VIRGINITY, told me he loved me JUST SO I WOULD CAVE IN AND EVENTUALLY SLEEP WITH HIM. The only person I fucking told what Charles did to me, and told me I DESERVED IT because I act like a slut. I had only slept with one person (him) and I was barely 19. I was completely green about love, sex, romance. I AM NOT NOR WAS EVER A SLUT!!!!!!!!!!! I am SO angry at him I want to pull his hair out and beat the shit out of him. But I would never do that. I just can’t attack someone. That’s a good thing I know, but it’s also bad. I’ve gotta stop now. This is too much. It’s good to vent, but now it’s time to put it away again. Maybe I’ll get to write again soon, I’m not crazy, I know the thoughts will come back. Writing is good. This is good. June 1st. June 1st I move, and as soon as everyone’s left I’m calling that therapist. Good night.

I’m still here!

So! A lot has happened since I last blogged. I got back into SHSU and I love it! I move out of my wonderful apartment May 31, and into a super cool apartment right off campus June 1. B2B’s doing Into the Woods, and I am SUPER excited about the audition, because I hope they’ll cast me as Little Red or even Cinderella. I think Little Red is my top choice, though. After months of deep deliberation, I changed my major. I am now double majoring in Political Science and Criminal Justice, with a minor in Psychology. I am interested in going to law school right out of college, or maybe go into criminology or investigation work. I am focused on learning, and realistic in knowing that the more I know, the more I’ll know which path I want to choose. I haven’t told my parents yet. How can you explain to someone that you don’t really care about something you once were so obsessive and passionate for? I don’t care about it enough to get my degree in it, or try to make a living in it. I felt like a fraud in the theatre building. It’s so hard to put on a mask and hide it. I chose to go back to SHSU and try theatre again. And yes, I know it, it comes easier to me, I do it well. I was able to idealize it in Houston, because it really is so much better than UH. But once I got back, I realized why it was so easy for me to leave the first time. SHSU is an amazing college, but the musical theatre/theatre department is not for me. And I am no longer afraid to try my hand at law. I’m sick of letting fear keep me from things.

Failure sucks

There is no better way to say it. It SUCKS. Is school not meant for me? I hate the stereotypes that are placed on people without degrees, but is that a good enough reason to continue this long, mainly unsuccessful journey? I did SO well at SHSU. Now going back looks impossible. Sure, HCC screwed up but its one thing after another. Is God trying to tell me to find another path? Will I be happier? Or just ashamed? I don’t know what to do and I don’t really trust anyone around me enough to give them the full honest story and value their feedback. Everybody judges and everyone wants me to do what sounds “good”. Well, what society dictates doesn’t always work for everyone. I felt pretty low when I heard about all my SHSU colleagues graduating this semester. I looked at pictures and notes and felt like such an outsider. I’m not artsy or weird or alone enough to make it look good. I really could use some real answers. Reality happens, opinions don’t. I know a college degree is not a ticket to Heaven, but it sure helps get a ticket to success.

Nutcracker Market

I loooove the Nutcracker Market. I go every year. But I learned a lot this year, so I decided to blog it so I could be a better, smarter shopper next year.

1) ONLY bring the cash I budgeted for the spree. I spent every penny then put $40 on the credit card. BAD GIRL.

2) If I can, budget more cash next time. This is my day, as well as a good time to do most of the Christmas shopping.

3) Wear the most comfortable outfit/shoes I can.

4) Plan on being there ALL DAY. I was there 7 hours and only made it through half the market.

5) Always have a shopping companion you can have fun shopping with all day long. My sister was perfect, but unfortunately my mom couldn’t quite replace her when she had to leave for class.

6) Don’t bring a guy along

7) Never reveal how much you spent.

Don’t leave anything out when budgeting. (Food, lots of drinks, ticket, parking, etc)

9) Don’t buy whatever you want right away unless you have an unlimited amount of money to spend. Because at the end of your shopping you might see that cashmere bathrobe you could have afforded an hour ago…

10) Make yourself believe Christmas is right around the corner. It’s so much more fun if you are in a festive mood!

Looking back

So, obviously, yesterday was a real low for me. I am doing a lot better today, but times are still stressful. Last night I had a breakdown after work, but the good from that is that my boyfriend and I got to talk, and crying gets a lot of stress out of my system. It was nice to get a hug and a shoulder to cry on. I am still worried about my financial situation. The day to day expenses are no problem at all, but saving for the future is. There are just too many big bills and things to save for right now. The cruise. A mattress. Christmas presents. Next semester. Job gaps. I’m really finding it hard to breathe right now. Thank God my boyfriend is paying for my ticket. Such an amazing early Christmas present. I think paying near $300 to get my car out of towing really made me realize how serious my financial situation could get. College is also a painful topic for me. I’m really over it. What I need and what I want are at odds. I KNOW getting a degree is the smart thing to do. I KNOW not having a degree might make me loathe myself somewhere down the road. But I can’t deny reality. If I can go to SHSU next semester I will go. But if I can’t, I’m not interested in years and years of college while my colleagues are graduating this December and next May. I’m ready to start my life and the real world has always called my name loud and clear. I want to start my business and I want to take those steps now. Even if I fail, I want to be a stay at home mom. I really hate answering to people and the guilt that never seems to go away. But that does not mean I’d rather not have anyone I love to answer to. Sigh. I need freedom to clear my own path.

Selfish thoughts

What do I want? How about not trying to keep everyone happy, and instead trying to keep me happy? Problem is, the people in my life I want to keep happy are in my life because they make me happy. It’s all so confusing. I want what I want and everyone I want to be happy too. Life will never be simple with me guys, let’s just face it. I want to be selfish right now. I don’t want to buy that damn new mattress. I was perfectly okay with the one I have now, then my boyfriend has to go and tell me he wants a new mattress as his anniversary/birthday/christmas present. Now I feel like I have no choice but to go and spend a big chunk of money on a mattress. I have better things to spend my money on, in my opinion. How about saving up money so I can go to school full time and not have to work? Or pay off my credit card? Or not having to watch every penny when I’m on the cruise in December? Or, if I don’t get back into SHSU, having money saved up so I can quit my job before the holidays so I don’t have to work DURING AND ON THE HOLIDAYS? I only want to buy that mattress to make him happy. Because I love him. Because it’s important to him. Because he bought me cruise tickets for Christmas. Because he’ll bitch and moan about it until I do. Because I’m sick of that whole damn word and just want it over with!!! Speaking of which, if I don’t get back into SHSU next semester, I DON’T WANT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL. At least for the time being. I want to try to teach myself and work in an environment that would help me learn and be mentored. How much do they really teach you about starting your own business in college anyways? I know getting a degree is the smart thing to do but Houston’s education options are not working out for me. At least let me have a break if I can’t go back. Let me be ready and committed to a future of UH. (Ugh. I shudder just to type that.) I am in a horrible mood. My boyfriend is unhappy so I’m unhappy. I’m not saving up the kind of money I need to. I don’t know what’s going to happen next semester, or even next month. I want my fucking credit card paid off NOW. I don’t want to add a mattress onto my budget. And I need a day and night off NOW so I can clean this apartment. And I need that time to be alone time, no boyfriend around. BUT I need to make things right again with him since we’ve both been grumpy these past couple of days. UGGGHHHH. And I have a Psychology test Friday, and I’ve already fucked up pretty badly in that class and its the only one I’m still in and so the idea of school is pretty much hopeless and I feel horrible that my parents spent money on my education and I hate the world right now and……I’VE GOT TO BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes he did – Obama’s Speech

Obama:

Hello, Chicago.

If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time, who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer.

It’s the answer told by lines that stretched around schools and churches in numbers this nation has never seen, by people who waited three hours and four hours, many for the first time in their lives, because they believed that this time must be different, that their voices could be that difference.

It’s the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled. Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been just a collection of individuals or a collection of red states and blue states.

We are, and always will be, the United States of America.

It’s the answer that led those who’ve been told for so long by so many to be cynical and fearful and doubtful about what we can achieve to put their hands on the arc of history and bend it once more toward the hope of a better day.

It’s been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this date in this election at this defining moment change has come to America.

A little bit earlier this evening, I received an extraordinarily gracious call from Sen. McCain.

Sen. McCain fought long and hard in this campaign. And he’s fought even longer and harder for the country that he loves. He has endured sacrifices for America that most of us cannot begin to imagine. We are better off for the service rendered by this brave and selfless leader.

I congratulate him; I congratulate Gov. Palin for all that they’ve achieved. And I look forward to working with them to renew this nation’s promise in the months ahead.

I want to thank my partner in this journey, a man who campaigned from his heart, and spoke for the men and women he grew up with on the streets of Scranton and rode with on the train home to Delaware, the vice president-elect of the United States, Joe Biden.

And I would not be standing here tonight without the unyielding support of my best friend for the last 16 years the rock of our family, the love of my life, the nation’s next first lady Michelle Obama.

Sasha and Malia I love you both more than you can imagine. And you have earned the new puppy that’s coming with us to the new White House.

And while she’s no longer with us, I know my grandmother’s watching, along with the family that made me who I am. I miss them tonight. I know that my debt to them is beyond measure.

To my sister Maya, my sister Alma, all my other brothers and sisters, thank you so much for all the support that you’ve given me. I am grateful to them.

And to my campaign manager, David Plouffe, the unsung hero of this campaign, who built the best — the best political campaign, I think, in the history of the United States of America.

To my chief strategist David Axelrod who’s been a partner with me every step of the way.

To the best campaign team ever assembled in the history of politics you made this happen, and I am forever grateful for what you’ve sacrificed to get it done.

But above all, I will never forget who this victory truly belongs to. It belongs to you. It belongs to you.

I was never the likeliest candidate for this office. We didn’t start with much money or many endorsements. Our campaign was not hatched in the halls of Washington. It began in the backyards of Des Moines and the living rooms of Concord and the front porches of Charleston. It was built by working men and women who dug into what little savings they had to give $5 and $10 and $20 to the cause.

It grew strength from the young people who rejected the myth of their generation’s apathy who left their homes and their families for jobs that offered little pay and less sleep.

It drew strength from the not-so-young people who braved the bitter cold and scorching heat to knock on doors of perfect strangers, and from the millions of Americans who volunteered and organized and proved that more than two centuries later a government of the people, by the people, and for the people has not perished from the Earth.

This is your victory.

And I know you didn’t do this just to win an election. And I know you didn’t do it for me.

You did it because you understand the enormity of the task that lies ahead. For even as we celebrate tonight, we know the challenges that tomorrow will bring are the greatest of our lifetime — two wars, a planet in peril, the worst financial crisis in a century.

Even as we stand here tonight, we know there are brave Americans waking up in the deserts of Iraq and the mountains of Afghanistan to risk their lives for us.

There are mothers and fathers who will lie awake after the children fall asleep and wonder how they’ll make the mortgage or pay their doctors’ bills or save enough for their child’s college education.

There’s new energy to harness, new jobs to be created, new schools to build, and threats to meet, alliances to repair.

The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in one year or even in one term. But, America, I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there.

I promise you, we as a people will get there.

There will be setbacks and false starts. There are many who won’t agree with every decision or policy I make as president. And we know the government can’t solve every problem.

But I will always be honest with you about the challenges we face. I will listen to you, especially when we disagree. And, above all, I will ask you to join in the work of remaking this nation, the only way it’s been done in America for 221 years — block by block, brick by brick, calloused hand by calloused hand.

What began 21 months ago in the depths of winter cannot end on this autumn night.

This victory alone is not the change we seek. It is only the chance for us to make that change. And that cannot happen if we go back to the way things were.

It can’t happen without you, without a new spirit of service, a new spirit of sacrifice.

So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism, of responsibility, where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harder and look after not only ourselves but each other.

Let us remember that, if this financial crisis taught us anything, it’s that we cannot have a thriving Wall Street while Main Street suffers.

In this country, we rise or fall as one nation, as one people. Let’s resist the temptation to fall back on the same partisanship and pettiness and immaturity that has poisoned our politics for so long.

Let’s remember that it was a man from this state who first carried the banner of the Republican Party to the White House, a party founded on the values of self-reliance and individual liberty and national unity.

Those are values that we all share. And while the Democratic Party has won a great victory tonight, we do so with a measure of humility and determination to heal the divides that have held back our progress.

As Lincoln said to a nation far more divided than ours, we are not enemies but friends. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection.

And to those Americans whose support I have yet to earn, I may not have won your vote tonight, but I hear your voices. I need your help. And I will be your president, too.

And to all those watching tonight from beyond our shores, from parliaments and palaces, to those who are huddled around radios in the forgotten corners of the world, our stories are singular, but our destiny is shared, and a new dawn of American leadership is at hand.

To those — to those who would tear the world down: We will defeat you. To those who seek peace and security: We support you. And to all those who have wondered if America’s beacon still burns as bright: Tonight we proved once more that the true strength of our nation comes not from the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity and unyielding hope.

That’s the true genius of America: that America can change. Our union can be perfected. What we’ve already achieved gives us hope for what we can and must achieve tomorrow.

This election had many firsts and many stories that will be told for generations. But one that’s on my mind tonight’s about a woman who cast her ballot in Atlanta. She’s a lot like the millions of others who stood in line to make their voice heard in this election except for one thing: Ann Nixon Cooper is 106 years old.

She was born just a generation past slavery; a time when there were no cars on the road or planes in the sky; when someone like her couldn’t vote for two reasons — because she was a woman and because of the color of her skin.

And tonight, I think about all that she’s seen throughout her century in America — the heartache and the hope; the struggle and the progress; the times we were told that we can’t, and the people who pressed on with that American creed: Yes we can.

At a time when women’s voices were silenced and their hopes dismissed, she lived to see them stand up and speak out and reach for the ballot. Yes we can.

When there was despair in the dust bowl and depression across the land, she saw a nation conquer fear itself with a New Deal, new jobs, a new sense of common purpose. Yes we can.

When the bombs fell on our harbor and tyranny threatened the world, she was there to witness a generation rise to greatness and a democracy was saved. Yes we can.

She was there for the buses in Montgomery, the hoses in Birmingham, a bridge in Selma, and a preacher from Atlanta who told a people that “We Shall Overcome.” Yes we can.

A man touched down on the moon, a wall came down in Berlin, a world was connected by our own science and imagination.

And this year, in this election, she touched her finger to a screen, and cast her vote, because after 106 years in America, through the best of times and the darkest of hours, she knows how America can change.

Yes we can.

America, we have come so far. We have seen so much. But there is so much more to do. So tonight, let us ask ourselves — if our children should live to see the next century; if my daughters should be so lucky to live as long as Ann Nixon Cooper, what change will they see? What progress will we have made?

This is our chance to answer that call. This is our moment.
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This is our time, to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth, that, out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope. And where we are met with cynicism and doubts and those who tell us that we can’t, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people: Yes, we can.

Thank you. God bless you. And may God bless the United States of America

It’s not over. It’s only the beginning.

Tonight history was made. Cliche, right? I don’t care. I had a hand in that history. I was invested in it, worked hard for it, prayed about it, and generally annoyed everyone I knew about it. And I want to thank everyone who put up with me and/or worked beside me literally or mentally. Thank you for believing in Obama before it was “cool.” Or, thank you for joining us when Senator Clinton lost the nomination. Thank you for donating when you could, whatever you could. Thank you for buying products that showed countless people your support for a candidate who believes in the power of YES. Thank you for not shutting down or shutting up. Thank you for not making excuses. Thank you for taking the time to vote and doing whatever you could to get your friends, family, and acquaintances to follow your lead. Thank you for pestering your little sisters to go see Obama speak at their schools and to register. Thank you for proving that we college students care about our past, present, and future. That we are not to be waved off or ignored. Thank you for making sure people know the facts about Obama, not silly internet rumors or misleading information the media took out of context. Above all, thank you for being a delegate, an activist, a mediator, and a friend. Can you believe it? It’s November 5th, guys. Can you feel a brand new day? Please keep praying. Please don’t give up, sit back, and withdraw your involvement. Let’s keep the passion and hope going. I sense dangerous times for our future President. Unfortunately, there are some unintelligent, uncultured, and uncivilized people out there who will want to harm Obama or are already planning to. We must pray for his safety. Not only that, we must pray that he will be the leader we need. It’s a hard job, and anything can get in the way. I believe in him, but I know some people have put him on a pedestal that no one could possibly stay on top of. He’s not perfect and he will make mistakes.  But I believe in his sincerity, his honesty, his ideas, his hopes, and his plans. And I am ready to support him and do my part to restore my country. Love, Ashley

Election Night

Please let Obama win. Please let Obama win. Please let Obama win. OFFICIALLY WIN. The end.