Stop Being A Pussy(cat)

STOP BEING A PUSSY. Normally, I am not the biggest fan of that word in the way it is commonly used. But really, this is the only statement I can think of to yell at myself that really fits. STOP BEING A PUSSY. Stop making excuses. Just do it. I thought these things to myself as I went to school this morning. I know exactly what I WANT to do. Problem is, I’m not doing it. I want a morning life before I go to school. I want to wake up feeling rested, meditate, stretch, go for a jog, have a green smoothie while watching the morning news and checking emails, and still have time to put some thought into my appearance, aka straightening my lion’s mane worth of hair. But what do I do instead? I push the snooze button until I HAVE to get out of bed. It really stinks to rarely ever want to get INTO bed at night and rarely ever want to get OUT OF bed in the morning. But I need to just shut up and do it. No excuses. And I need to get my butt to the gym. I have the time (right now) to do it, so DO IT! And stop driving to school. Stop being a pussy. Walk or ride your bike. Stop being an excuse-making fatass. Get that bike out more often! Oh boo hoo, I have to drag it down 2 flights of stairs? Suck it up, lazy pampered American. And it wouldn’t kill you to ride it to places like the bank and the grocery store either. I am doing so great with my veganism and my laying off the laptop and lists. I am so much happier because of these changes. It’s like my pastor said yesterday, there is this whole feast out there for you if you will just go out and get it. I do not want to look back on my life and wish I had done more and gotten out more and did things that challenged me and took me out of my comfort zone and helped me grow and opened bigger doors. So STOP BEING A PUSSY. No excuses – if I want something, I am going to do it.

Hurricane Hormone Has Arrived….

….and I have decided to dance in the storm. About an hour ago she hit. Lady P is scheduled to arrive sometime tomorrow, but I’m feeling it now. Started out lazy and lethargic, grew to emotional, then leaped to intensely angry. My body hurts, my head hurts, I want to consume two days worth of calories at the very least, and my body temperature is through the roof even though my AC is on 75. Things just keep getting worse, but I had an Aha! moment. I spilled pasta all over the kitchen floor and all under the burner where of course it immediately burned, smoked, and ruined the air quality. And I refused to sweep and clean it up. Flat out refused. It was liberating. I decided I am in a terrible, hormonal place and fighting it is only making it worse. Feeling bad about wanting to fix things and being angry that I want nothing more than to ignore it sucks. So I am ignoring it right now, in peace. I know good, kind, cheerful, productive Ashley will return sooner or later. So that pasta is on the floor. Along with some (unfortunately unsalted) tortilla chip crumbs. And the towels are in the dryer. And the laundry is on the dining table. And I am not eating any fresh produce with my dinner. And I will not work out this evening. And I will not give a damn if I do nothing but lay around all night watching tv and wasting away on the computer. And I certainly will not wash the sheets or even make the bed for that matter. And I will do my best to refrain from buying a coke but if it happens it happens. I had a 300 calorie raw lunch and celery for a snack and it won’t kill me to eat pasta for dinner. The end.

Happiness

I have realized it is already the middle of June, and I am not far along at all in terms of what I want to accomplish this summer. It doesn’t even feel like summer to me. I’m not sure what I would call this. But I know I have not been having enough fun, I have not been adamantly working on my goals, and I am not living the life I want to live. For instance, I am realizing more and more how much I depend on validation from others and how much it makes me unhappy. I need to stand up for myself more and maintain my ground. Example: Saturday afternoon I had an audition that was very important to me. I was nervous, excited, and very much intent on making a good impression and giving it my everything. A few hours before the audition I got into a fight with my boyfriend over my headshots being printed wrong. Blah blah blah. I was not going to that audition unprepared. It would have only made me look bad. You bring enough headshots and you bring professional looking ones. End of story. I have been auditioning professionally since I was 11 years old, I have been to countless audition workshops, I have observed other auditions, etc etc. I know my industry and of course when I consult with my friends in the business, they agree with me. So why did I get so upset about him being mad? I have years of experience to back me up and I have every right to want to give my best to something so important to me. Yet after an amazing audition that had me flying high, I was devastated when he wouldn’t answer my phonecalls. I was so happy and I wanted him to be happy for me. I wanted so badly for him to have told me “break a leg” and to be rooting for me and to realize how important this was to me. Am I asking too much? The worst of it was that I couldn’t get out of my mood until hours later when I went out with my girlfriends. But then after a TERRIFIC night out, I spiraled downward again because of our fight. In my opinion, that is *ridiculous*. Why should I be that affected? I also get afraid of making my own decisions when other people want me to make different ones. That’s ridiculous too. I don’t need anyone’s permission to live my life. What is wrong with me? This is something I am setting out to change. I want so much to be more in control of my life. I want to be more independent and not care so much about what other people think I should do. I am in charge of my happiness. I love myself just like many others do, but the difference is I have to live with me and my decisions 24/7. I have one life and I have been settling for mediocrity far too often. So here is what I think will make me happy. These are my goals for returning balance to my life.

1) Work hard over the summer so I can pay off debts I owe and of course have some leftover to pay the taxes from working. I want to do this by working at my old bar. By working there, I would be able to start ASAP because I have already completed training, I would have to spend very little money on work clothes since I have old uniforms, I would be able to work as many hours as I wanted, and I would enjoy working somewhere where I could interact with customers and be constantly moving and doing. I also love not waiting around for a paycheck, and it helps that I could work seasonally there without any problems. Starting a new job and only working until the end of August would be weird.

2) I want to get to my happy weight and become more physically fit. My health is very important to me. I am doing great on the vegan front, but I have been doing very little exercise. I believe you should do at least 30 minutes of exercise every day and I am not living out this belief.

3) I want to give church another chance. I have grown up a bit in the last year or so and have come to realize how important my spirituality is to me. I don’t think I will ever be one of those “religious types” but I believe in God and I take comfort in my faith, and I do sometimes wish I had a church family.

4) I want to make more time for new and old friendships. My life is so much more enjoyable when I get out and have fun with my friends.

5) I want to drastically decrease my laptop usage. I am obsessed with my planning and list making and it is really keeping me from living a full, busy, rich life. I am living life right now by planning it and it is not a good thing. I need to learn to trust my memory. I spend hours and hours on my laptop and it is wasting my life.

6) Have more fun! Yesterday I wondered aloud – why don’t I ever watch a movie? Why haven’t I been to the beach, I get out of class at 11am. It’s because I spend so much time planning my life or being moody because someone else is unhappy. Stupid, right?

7) Care about whether or not I’M happy. Surround myself with people who are on my side. Don’t let people bring me down and refuse to accept toxic relationships. I have been in the process of eliminating toxic relationships since February and it definitely has made my life better and more positive. But I also have to take a stand when it comes to people I don’t want to write out of my life. When my family acts in hurtful ways I am not going to just say goodbye. But I do need to react in better ways.

8) Read more! Why do I always forget how much joy this brings me? Way more than television, so why does the boob tube get more of my time? Pathetic, really.

9) Spend more time outdoors. I am quite certain that I suffer from SAD, Seasonal Affective Disorder. I have noticed recently, that whenever I struggle with depression it has been at the same time of year, usually late August through early December and getting much much better around March. I have noticed that my mood does seem to be extraordinarily affected by the amount of solar exposure I get. Being in the sun does wonders for me, so I need to get outside more!

10) Eat more whole foods. I eat too many faux meat and dairy products and my diet is really high in sodium. I really want to change that and focus more on beautiful, nutrient rich foods.

11) Work towards my goals! There are things I really want to do in life and taking steps to make that happen gives me real joy and purpose. I want to volunteer in Africa next summer. I want to go to grad school. I want to live in a cool city like Boston/Austin/DC/NYC/London/etc etc etc. I want to go somewhere with my friends for Spring Break this last year of college because I’ve never done it before! I want to get a dog once I’m off my parents’ pocketbook. I want to travel and have adventures. I want to perform. I want to go to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter for goodness sake! I want to live a rich, full, extraordinary life. I don’t want to be weighed down by debt, excess weight or negative people. I want to be open and ready for all of life’s blessings.

Happy birthday to me!!

It’s finally May 24, meaning I am 24 years old today. I can’t believe it, it sounds so foreign to me. I have slowly been trying to accept this over the past few days, which is also foreign to me. I thought I was immune to the age insecurity thing. Honestly, I just wish I was farther along in life than I am right now. I wish I already had a degree and was starting the next chapter of life. It truly is okay though, I am where I am for a reason. I had to learn some tough lessons along the way but I am so lucky I learned them and I had second chances to make my life better.

So enough with the feeling too old for my age thing. I know the older me would want to kick the present me in the face for talking this way. I am starting my 24th year with open arms to all of the blessings, lessons, adventures, and life that awaits me. I am starting my 24th year with a return to veganism, which for me is living every day with integrity and compassion. For myself, for my family, for the animals, for the earth, for my world.

Here’s to a fantastic day, year, life ahead of me!

I think I’m about to take the leap…for good?

I really think once school is over for the semester I am going to make the leap back to veganism….for good. Why the wait? Because Sunday I bought groceries for the rest of the semester and those need to be used up first! (BTW, I am talking about going from vegetarian to vegan, I never started eating meat again!) Being vegetarian I am learning is A LOT more difficult than being vegan. The one thing that has kept me from being a devoted vegan was my cheese addiction. But there’s a huge problem – most cheese is NOT vegetarian. Most of the cheese you find at the grocery store contains rennet – which is the lining of calves’ stomaches. EW. All the good tasting stuff I want to eat – feta, cheddar, parmigiana reggiano – all of that most likely contains baby cow in it. I am not perfect, and I am guilty of taking so long to figure this out. So is it worth it? Why eat that sh** at all? They treat the animals so badly, and is that really better than killing them? I am really not shouting all of this out to everyone I know, because of how hard it has been for me to stick to veganism. This is a slow process for me, because cheese is my favorite food (almost an addiction) and I am not very good at resisting temptation. The last thing I need right now is someone telling me I can’t do this. And there’s always the Italy question in the back of my head. If I go to Italy, would I be able to stick to veganism? Well screw that! I’ll cross that bridge when I get to Italy! I also have to remind myself that I have been to England twice, both times for 2 weeks. The first time I went as an omnivore and hated the food. The second time I went as a vegan and ate the best food I have ever had in my life. So maybe I should stop worrying so much.

Loving Life

I’m feeling kind of chatty tonight, so bear with me. You get several blogs in one this time!

Right now I am feeling incredibly blessed. I hope this feeling isn’t exclusive to Spring, because that does seem to help! I am finally at a place where I am enjoying living in Huntsville again. (Houston’s pretty awesome, ya know??) I am having so much fun in my classes this semester and am still very proud to be a Bearkat…whatever that is! Moving back to Huntsville has turned out to be one of the healthiest things I have done for myself, and not just academically. I feel like I have been growing so much as a person, and I am definitely learning more about myself, who I want to become and remain, and where I want to go in life. I have hope again, and I am really excited for the future! I have big dreams and I hope I can make at least a few of them reality.

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

This morning I had a sad surprise waiting for me when I got on the scale. I had an “official weigh day” today and it was not pretty. I cheated badly yesterday and my body did NOT look the other way. Moral of the story: don’t give up on going out with friends, just put some thought into what you are putting in your body. I made it a cheat day by neglecting my food tracker. If I had just logged things in as I ordered or ate them, I know I would have done better for myself. And I don’t believe in cheat days!!! I will not reward myself with food, and I want to learn how to make healthier choices when I’m out. Dang Mexican food + dollar margaritas!! I love you, but you kill me. In other weighty matters, cheese and eggs are NOT your friend. 1/4 cup of shredded cheddar = 9 GRAMS OF FAT!!!  Do you know how little cheese that is? Is that worth it? NO. And eggs are so saturated in fat and cholesterol it’s positively disgusting. When I food-logged an omelet, I swear it felt like my arteries were clogging up right then and there. I try to stay away from these things, as I am very very slowly weaning myself off of them, and this just gives me even more reason to stay away. I have turned into the fat nazi this past week. I am not a fan, unless its in nuts and avocado.

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Tonight a few of us went to Udipi Cafe, which is a vegetarian Indian restaurant. Most amazing food I have had in a looong time. I haven’t had Indian food since my ex and I split up, so I was pretty much in heaven rediscovering the awesomeness of curried everything. We started with an appetizer tray, which had a ton of fried vegetables/samosas/patties and a lentil donut! We thought that was awesome, but after trying my wonderful main course I will probably skip the appetizer next time. SO much food! My main course was seriously delectable. I forget what it was called (except for the number 10) but it was curried potatoes, peas, carrots, and nuts in a cashew cream sauce. It had the consistency of La Madeleine’s tomato basil soup and it was fantastic. With it, we had 2 different kinds of bread and long grain rice. Really thin puffy blowfish shaped bread, and the softest yummiest thick bread which tasted like a more exotic tortilla. I wanted to try a dessert, but after all that food (most of it now in to-go containers) there was no way. This could very well be a new favorite.

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

Life is just a bowl of cherries. Don’t take it serious, life’s too mysterious.

You work, you save, you worry so – but you can’t take your dough when you go.

So keep repeating, “It’s the berries.” The strongest oak must fall.

The sweet things in life to you were just loaned. So how can you lose what you’ve never owned?

Life is just a bowl of cherries. So live and laugh, laugh and love. Live and laugh at it all!

Aren’t those just lovely lyrics? That song is what inspired my blog title. When I was a teenager, I listened to that song (on the Fosse Original Broadway Cast Recording) whenever I felt overwhelmed, stressed, and upset. It still speaks to me to this day. That song releases me and lifts me up. I suggest you check it out sometime.

Blowfish Bread!

Being healthy

Spring Break is over and I didn’t gain a pound!!! Whoo hoo! I am back on track this week, and loving it! Being healthy feels so good. I had lost 13 pounds, but kind of got off track for a couple of months. I maintained the 13 pound weight loss and that’s what matters. And now I’m getting back up and prepared to lose 20 more! I am not really giving anything up and I am CERTAINLY NOT dieting, I am just sticking to a daily goal range for calories, fat, carbs, protein, and vitamins/minerals. I track my food, water, and exercise on www.sparkpeople.com, as well as weekly goals. I don’t think you need to eat nothing but salad to be healthy. Certainly you shouldn’t eat too much junk, but a little treat here and there is ok. For instance, recently my little treat has been fresh strawberries dipped in Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup. I don’t like that there’s high fructose corn syrup as an ingredient, but I do like that it’s not a lot of calories and absolutely no fat! Ps – it’s dairy free! Hershey’s Syrup is vegan, believe it or not. Love it!