I have realized it is already the middle of June, and I am not far along at all in terms of what I want to accomplish this summer. It doesn’t even feel like summer to me. I’m not sure what I would call this. But I know I have not been having enough fun, I have not been adamantly working on my goals, and I am not living the life I want to live. For instance, I am realizing more and more how much I depend on validation from others and how much it makes me unhappy. I need to stand up for myself more and maintain my ground. Example: Saturday afternoon I had an audition that was very important to me. I was nervous, excited, and very much intent on making a good impression and giving it my everything. A few hours before the audition I got into a fight with my boyfriend over my headshots being printed wrong. Blah blah blah. I was not going to that audition unprepared. It would have only made me look bad. You bring enough headshots and you bring professional looking ones. End of story. I have been auditioning professionally since I was 11 years old, I have been to countless audition workshops, I have observed other auditions, etc etc. I know my industry and of course when I consult with my friends in the business, they agree with me. So why did I get so upset about him being mad? I have years of experience to back me up and I have every right to want to give my best to something so important to me. Yet after an amazing audition that had me flying high, I was devastated when he wouldn’t answer my phonecalls. I was so happy and I wanted him to be happy for me. I wanted so badly for him to have told me “break a leg” and to be rooting for me and to realize how important this was to me. Am I asking too much? The worst of it was that I couldn’t get out of my mood until hours later when I went out with my girlfriends. But then after a TERRIFIC night out, I spiraled downward again because of our fight. In my opinion, that is *ridiculous*. Why should I be that affected? I also get afraid of making my own decisions when other people want me to make different ones. That’s ridiculous too. I don’t need anyone’s permission to live my life. What is wrong with me? This is something I am setting out to change. I want so much to be more in control of my life. I want to be more independent and not care so much about what other people think I should do. I am in charge of my happiness. I love myself just like many others do, but the difference is I have to live with me and my decisions 24/7. I have one life and I have been settling for mediocrity far too often. So here is what I think will make me happy. These are my goals for returning balance to my life.
1) Work hard over the summer so I can pay off debts I owe and of course have some leftover to pay the taxes from working. I want to do this by working at my old bar. By working there, I would be able to start ASAP because I have already completed training, I would have to spend very little money on work clothes since I have old uniforms, I would be able to work as many hours as I wanted, and I would enjoy working somewhere where I could interact with customers and be constantly moving and doing. I also love not waiting around for a paycheck, and it helps that I could work seasonally there without any problems. Starting a new job and only working until the end of August would be weird.
2) I want to get to my happy weight and become more physically fit. My health is very important to me. I am doing great on the vegan front, but I have been doing very little exercise. I believe you should do at least 30 minutes of exercise every day and I am not living out this belief.
3) I want to give church another chance. I have grown up a bit in the last year or so and have come to realize how important my spirituality is to me. I don’t think I will ever be one of those “religious types” but I believe in God and I take comfort in my faith, and I do sometimes wish I had a church family.
4) I want to make more time for new and old friendships. My life is so much more enjoyable when I get out and have fun with my friends.
5) I want to drastically decrease my laptop usage. I am obsessed with my planning and list making and it is really keeping me from living a full, busy, rich life. I am living life right now by planning it and it is not a good thing. I need to learn to trust my memory. I spend hours and hours on my laptop and it is wasting my life.
6) Have more fun! Yesterday I wondered aloud – why don’t I ever watch a movie? Why haven’t I been to the beach, I get out of class at 11am. It’s because I spend so much time planning my life or being moody because someone else is unhappy. Stupid, right?
7) Care about whether or not I’M happy. Surround myself with people who are on my side. Don’t let people bring me down and refuse to accept toxic relationships. I have been in the process of eliminating toxic relationships since February and it definitely has made my life better and more positive. But I also have to take a stand when it comes to people I don’t want to write out of my life. When my family acts in hurtful ways I am not going to just say goodbye. But I do need to react in better ways.
8) Read more! Why do I always forget how much joy this brings me? Way more than television, so why does the boob tube get more of my time? Pathetic, really.
9) Spend more time outdoors. I am quite certain that I suffer from SAD, Seasonal Affective Disorder. I have noticed recently, that whenever I struggle with depression it has been at the same time of year, usually late August through early December and getting much much better around March. I have noticed that my mood does seem to be extraordinarily affected by the amount of solar exposure I get. Being in the sun does wonders for me, so I need to get outside more!
10) Eat more whole foods. I eat too many faux meat and dairy products and my diet is really high in sodium. I really want to change that and focus more on beautiful, nutrient rich foods.
11) Work towards my goals! There are things I really want to do in life and taking steps to make that happen gives me real joy and purpose. I want to volunteer in Africa next summer. I want to go to grad school. I want to live in a cool city like Boston/Austin/DC/NYC/London/etc etc etc. I want to go somewhere with my friends for Spring Break this last year of college because I’ve never done it before! I want to get a dog once I’m off my parents’ pocketbook. I want to travel and have adventures. I want to perform. I want to go to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter for goodness sake! I want to live a rich, full, extraordinary life. I don’t want to be weighed down by debt, excess weight or negative people. I want to be open and ready for all of life’s blessings.
anicepieceofash
