Election Night

Please let Obama win. Please let Obama win. Please let Obama win. OFFICIALLY WIN. The end.

Prayers are appreciated

I called SHSU and spoke with an admissions counselor. No, I don’t have the qualifications to be re-accepted, but I told him my story. I am in GREAT standing with SHSU. 3.41 GPA! He advised me to reapply, and if I was rejected call him up and we’d go through the appeals process. Hopefully I could convince SHSU that I am the kind of student they want at their university. One bad year at another school was just a one time mistake. I would go back to SHSU and once again not work and once again be that great A+ student. Just the matter of how badly I want to go back I hope helps. So please pray that I can be a full time SHSU student starting Spring 2009. I want it sooo badly.

 

Another prayer appreciated would be for my boyfriend. I think he is going through depression right now. I don’t think it is long term but it still concerns me. I’ve been through depression before, and I can recognize symptoms. I also know that most people don’t know it’s depression until after its ended and they can look back on it. I love him so much and I don’t wish any unhappiness for him. Please pray that the responsibilities in his life start going better and that he finds the new opportunities he’s looking for.

Crawling

As I mentioned in my last post, school is really giving me the blues. I had a meltdown tonight but I think I am doing a lot better. What is failure? What is success? My idea of a successful life is one filled with love, happiness, and laughter. Great friends and family. Joy, adventure, and pleasure. I am going to talk to SHSU and see if I can work something out. My boyfriend advises me not to take no for an answer: they have the power to let me back in regardless of what the fine print says. I have fallen and am not able to walk just yet. But I can crawl. I can keep my chin up and keep believing in myself. I can enjoy life in any circumstance. I know this post is all over the place, but it is just the thoughts streaming out unedited. I want to graduate from SHSU. I want to start my own business. I want to stay true to myself and be an asset to the world around me. I am making mistakes right and left and yet I am still holding on. I know that God has a plan for me. I know I have caused some of these bad things to happen to me. But I am human. And my happiness is worth the effort.

Vienna waits for you

School is not good. It hasn’t been since the second I left SHSU for good. It was an unbelievably big mistake, in a long line of mistakes to follow. I cannot change the past, and it’s consequences are clouding even my “bright as the sun” future. My GPA is so low I can barely see it at UH. And now I’ve found out I cannot go back to SHSU while I’m still on suspension status with UH. I went to HCC to improve my GPA and go straight back to SHSU. Damn. Ok so I can go back to UH with HCC’s improved GPA and hopefully that helps. But if it doesn’t, then I get suspended for 2 semesters. And then what? What if I go back to UH and a full roster of classes and all A’s STILL doesn’t raise it high enough to keep from being suspended longer? This is a nightmare. I refuse to accept that I am a bad person. I do NOT want to give up. I want to go to school full time and graduate. I want to make A’s. Working 60 hour work weeks to pay the bills made it impossible for me to do well in school. NOW I FIGURE IT OUT. Ugh. I know what I need to do. I need to sit down with UH and SHSU and figure out my options. I will be honest, but I will not let them portray me as a slacker. I’m not. Everyone makes mistakes and I want more than anything to fix them. Then, if there is any hope that I can graduate SOMETIME, I think I need to stop working. For real. I am in a job NOW that makes me really good money. Work hard this semester. Save up. Give up the idea that I can live the lifestyle I have become accustomed to AND go to school and do well. Nope. Vienna waits for me. Save for a future of unluxurious living and get this thing fixed. I’d rather live like a college student now than later. I know my potential. Even if other people don’t.

Dear parents and politicians…

Sex isn’t going away. Sex is something everyone has to deal with. Sex is natural.

I have talked to probably every friend I have and several hundred acquaintances about sex. (It’s a popular subject with me. Most things are.) All pretty much seem to have the same experience. Most people seem to become interested and curious about sex at a very young age. Most everyone asked admits to masturbating and the majority started as young as 10 and 12. (Not me, actually. I know, I know…TMI. But I don’t think I know anyone who started as late as I did. But reasons for that come later.) So we’ve established that kids have sexual feelings, even before they realize what it all means. When I was a kid, I thought something was wrong with my bladder. I’d see or hear about something semi-sexual and sorta feel like I needed to pee but couldn’t. It took a little while to figure out that that only happened when I saw or heard certain things. Look, I know I’m rambling. My first point is that kids need to be educated about sex. I didn’t know about sex and the result was embarrassing. At first it was kids making fun of me. Later it was a painful lack of self confidence. I thought only guys could masturbate, whatever that meant. Female sexuality didn’t seem to exist, at least no one talked about it. I heard once through a friend that sex was a man sticking his thingy in a woman’s hole and it felt good to him but really bad and scary for her since he had to “tear” it open. So for years I thought sex consisted of a man sticking his penis in my belly button. The reason it would hurt was because, naturally, the belly button was covered by a layer of skin that didn’t seem to be going anywhere. Yeah. True story, folks. SO PLEASE EDUCATE YOUR KIDS. If not to save them from future embarrassment, do it because if something happens to them, they will know what that something is. Don’t get in the “nothing can ever happen to my kid” denial mode. Kids need to know. Second point. Abstinence only education is unrealistic. The majority of people in this country have pre-marital sex. Even the ones you think aren’t. How about being honest and realistic with your kids? Tell them something like this: “Mom doesn’t agree with having sex before marriage. There are many reasons it’s a bad idea including…. But I also know that when it comes time to make that choice, it is your decision, not mine. You have to make choices about your body and your life, even if I disagree with them. What I care about most is that you make smart choices and that you are happy and safe.” See – was that really that hard? Tell your kids the facts about sex. Educate them about stds, pregnancy, birth control, getting tested, and vaccines. Kids will WANT to have sex unless something traumatic happens to them. They will be curious anyway, so why not give them a thorough education before its too late? Don’t be afraid. If you want the best for your children, give them the tools to make wise, safe choices. Schools dont teach us enough and Sex, God, and Me at church teaches kids zilch. I promise. I went. And it just made me more confused. The end.

Hurt

My boyfriend hates my cat. Maybe hate is strong – they pretty much get along, but he can’t stand her living with us in our small 1 bedroom apartment. She was gone for 3 weeks because of Hurricane Ike and only came back yesterday. I understand why he is angry and frustrated. She hasn’t been back for 24 hours and already she has thrown up right next to his brand new expensive printer. She isn’t de-clawed (inhumane) so she likes to scratch things. She jumps on the kitchen counter, table, and stove. (He is the anal kitchen cleanliness guy and it really is disgusting to have paws that walk in litterboxes on your cooking surfaces) Sometimes she “plays” with her litter. She sheds. She bites and scratches when she is scared or angry. She opens drawers and tears up stuff inside. She never did these things until after I moved away from Huntsville. Anyways, like I said, he is very unhappy with Jezebel. It really sucks for me. I love him so so much. We’ve been together for a year and 2 months, and I can see us being together in 5 years. But I love my cat. I’m a dog person, but Jezebel came into my life. And she stayed. I know my boyfriend isn’t lashing out at me personally, but it still hurts when something happens and he gets so angry. I worry that we are going to break up over my cat. I think its silly given how much we love each other, but silly stuff happens. I wish I could fix things so that everyone could be happy.

Everything’s coming up roses

So those last couple of posts were a bit dramatic, weren’t they? I am feeling MUCH better now. 15 days without power really got me down. But now I’m back and I have SO much to be thankful for and excited about! First of all, I have exciting news. I am going on a cruise in December with my boyfriend and his parents. 7 nights, Caribbean, balcony suite, perfection. I can hardly wait! What a perfect way to end the semester! Speaking of which, I made a big decision to withdraw from my Algebra class. I don’t wish to go into all the reasons, but already I know that I made the right decision. Also, I was dropped from my second start Jazz class. Apparently, there weren’t enough students signed up. SO now I am only taking 2 classes, a total of 7 credit hours. It’s nuts, I know. But the fact is, I already feel such a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I need to work full time plus so I can save up for going back to SHSU (and not working) and that really eats up my time to study. I now feel like I have my life more balanced, and I am confident I will do very well in the classes I have left. (Psychology & French.) It’s a weird struggle for me – I want to go back to SHSU very much, but with every day I am loving my life in Houston more and more. My apartment is the first place that has felt like my home since I moved out 3 1/2 years ago. My boyfriend is wonderful, and I am sad at the idea of not seeing him as much. I like money coming in and I think I’ll miss that. Oh well. On to happy things! It’s FALL!!!!! I love this time of year SO much. There is so much to do and see in these next 3 months. I love all that commercial holiday crap. Christmas trees, gifts, pumpkin carvings, parties. Renfest, Nutcracker Market, Holiday Home Tour, Lights in the Heights, all the great theatre…this time of year is so wonderful. And a cruise to top it off!! Hopefully Obama getting elected will be the cherry on top of my big happy cake. Well I gotta run to work. Bonsoir!

Dear God

I have a problem. In my opinion, it’s a big one. One that is making me truly unhappy, insecure, ashamed, and depressed. I have been gaining weight rapidly since I moved back to Houston, and especially since I started working at FS. It has gotten so bad that I am scared to do things I normally am excited about or love to do. I am too ashamed of myself to go on auditions, even though I’m dying to do a show again. I finally have the money to buy some new clothes and today’s venture into the fitting room was downright suicidal. I hardly recognize the body I see in the mirror. And my legs! I always had the best legs…and now? You’d never know I used to have “killer stems”.  I miss my confidence. I miss feeling sexy or cute or beautiful. I miss wearing tank tops and shorts and cute dresses with pride. I want to feel good about myself again. God, I really need your help. Please. I know it’s not that important in the grand scheme of things. But please help me. I’m not asking you to magically make 25 pounds disappear. But please give me strength, patience, will-power, and help. I need to learn how to make time for healthy eating and exercise. I want to stop eating the food at work, cut out the cokes, and cook well-balanced meals instead of go out to eat. I want to work out more, and be on the internet less. It’s so hard when life is busy like this, (especially with no power) and I work 8-10 hours with no break. I want to stop over-eating, emotional eating, and learn to make better choices. Please, God. I’m begging you now. I have to get my confidence back. This is killing my spirit and hurting my health. I want to be healthy and fit. Thanks for your time.

Waiting for Ike

Ok. I’ll admit it. I’m getting really scared. I THINK I can handle the rain. I’m terrified of the wind. I keep imagining tree branches flying through my windows and tornadoes ripping my apartment apart. Am I safer here, on the second story of my brick apartment in the Heights (10 minute drive from downtown Houston), should I go to my parents’ home in Sugar Land or my boyfriend’s parents’ home in Katy? Should I just take a deep breath and brave the traffic to stay w/ my friends in College Station?? Ughhhh!! I’ve always been fascinated and curious of hurricanes. Now that one is without-a-doubt heading for me, I am not so curious. I can hardly breathe. The local news tell us to stay put unless absolutely necessary. But what if staying put ends up turning Houston into New Orleans? Grr….I know I’m being a bit of a baby. But so many things are at stake here. My friends, my family, my pets, my life. I don’t care half as much about my home as I do my loved ones. I just wish this all was over. Like Rita (for me). I expected it to come, fell asleep out of pure exhaustion, woke up, asked someone how soon before the storm, then was told it was over. A little wind, some rain, and a good night’s sleep. I don’t want to be afraid. I know God is there for us, but I still worry. I need prayers, guys. I don’t want to lose my life, and I don’t want my loved ones (and strangers too) hurt or killed. PS – I haven’t been able to get a hold of my Grandmother, my debit card got in “an accident”, my credit card expired, I’m outta checks, I temporarily lost my cell phone at Krogers, my work won’t tell me whether we’re going to close or not….and basically today is a very stress-inducing day. Oh yeah…and the bank closed at 3. I’m going to tell myself it was for the employees’ sake.

My first class

Just got out of my first class, obviously, and waiting for the next to start. I left the apartment at 7am and made it to HCC by 7:30ish with only a tiny bit of morning traffic. I made sure I got up early to take a shower and eat breakfast. Still, lack of sleep got in my way. I was fine for the first half of class, but the second half caught me fighting fatigue. By the way, my first class was French. I was a little worried at first, as my Professor had a thick Southern accent. I feel a lot better now. The class was fun and his methods of teaching seem good. I’m even considering applying to go to France in June with the HCC Language Program. Fun!! I should probably go in to Algebra now. I’m hoping we just will get the syllabus and call it a day, but that doesn’t seem to be the way things work at this school. I need a nap! At least I don’t have work till 8….